


michelle (you are a monster from hell)

by orphan_account



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Angst, Anxiety, Author Projecting onto Ishimaru Kiyotaka, Autistic Ishimaru Kiyotaka, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Intrusive Thoughts, Ishimaru Kiyotaka has OCD, Ishimaru Kiyotaka-centric, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Blood, Moral Dilemmas, Obsessive-Compulsive, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, POV Ishimaru Kiyotaka, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Self-Hatred, author is autistic + ocd + lgbt, ventfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26416549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The title of Ultimate Moral Compass may sound godly to others, as if Taka is incapable of doing wrong, as if he was given his title out of any sort of inherent purity rather than conscious efforts - but to Taka, it more closely resembles a shackle than a halo, and gives that devilish voice in the back of his head some more ammunition with which to shoot him.[ a Taka-centric OCD ventfic. read notes and tags before reading! ]
Relationships: Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo
Comments: 10
Kudos: 78





	michelle (you are a monster from hell)

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> \- vague discussions of intrusive thoughts (only 1 is given in any sort of detail, and it is regarding the physical harm of other people)  
> \- vague discussions of harmful obsessions  
> \- mild gore/blood (description of intrusive thought, physical interpretation of the feeling of anxiety)  
> \- the death of daiya is referred to as murder (and mondo is referred to as a murderer), which was done to reflect how mondo has presented the situation to taka, not how taka personally views it.
> 
> DISCLAIMERS:  
> \- whilst i do have OCD, my experiences are not universal.  
> \- taka being written as autistic is a constant in my works, but isn't necessarily prominent in this fic. just to be clear, i myself am also autistic, and base his ASC on my own; the autism spectrum is very diverse, so it's unlikely that this portrayal will be accurate for everyone.  
> \- this entire first chapter (idk if i'll continue) was written at 3am on my phone w no autocorrect and autocaps turned off. if i made any terrible typos pls lmk  
> \- ableist comments will be deleted

Kiyotaka Ishimaru considers himself a man of morals. He likes to think that, should he be presented a difficult situation, he could select the moral option with little difficulty; he likes to say that, despite the vague difficulty he finds in navigating the mannerisms and speech patterns of other people, he can manage to be kind.

There's something in the back of his head that distinctly disagrees.

* * *

The title of Ultimate Moral Compass may sound godly to others, as if Taka is incapable of doing wrong, as if he was given his title out of any sort of inherent purity rather than conscious efforts - but to Taka, it more closely resembles a shackle than a halo, and gives that devilish voice in the back of his head some more ammunition with which to shoot him.

You see, Taka doesn't worry like normal people do. He can't simply brush off a mistake and move on - he must obsess, and obsess, and obsess, until he's spiralling into incoherent anxiety. He can't simply learn not to bother like other people do.

His father, however hesitant, had been kind when he'd first admitted it, carding his fingers through spiky raven locks. "It's because you're so smart," he'd said warmly, "your brain moves too fast for your heart."

Taka stares down at the print-out in his hands - a list of coping mechanisms for OCD - and wonders if he's truly smart, or simply wrong.

* * *

OCD, for those unfamiliar, is an anxiety disorder identified by two main components: obsessions and compulsions.

Taka doesn't realise how obsessive he truly is until he's been handed a diagnosis; he doesn't notice how his brain clings to any topic that disgusts him or makes him uncomfortable, barely even registers the discomfort. He barely notices the compulsions, either - tiny rituals he must complete to feel real and good and human again, a rinse-and-repeat cycle of tiny victories that only hurt him more in the end.

_(One of his classmates raises an eyebrow. "If it makes you feel worse," they ask, slowly, as if he won't understand them otherwise, "then why do you do it?"_

_The hall monitor thinks distantly of the way breaking rituals feels - the all-encompassing anxiety, the way he trembles and sobs, the feeling of his heart rotting from the inside and tearing from his chest - smiles, and offers no explanation. It's not like they'll understand, anyway.)_

* * *

Asking for validation is perhaps the hardest compulsion to beat.

* * *

He doesn't know what he was expecting from Hope's Peak when he joined.

Some naive part of him hoped that it'd cure him, that the busy schedule and constant praise would pry his thoughts away from any lingering obsessions and leave his hands too busy for compulsions - and maybe that wasn't completely false, because he is very busy, and he does find himself distracted from his obsessions rather easily.

However, despite being rather extroverted in nature, he admittedly isn't a giant fan of people, and finds himself holding back tears at the classroom door every morning as his brain helpfully informs him of the thousand ways he could fuck today up. 

* * *

He thinks he's a monster. It sounds like such a dramatic confession when it's put into words - but it's true, and he does. It's hard not to, when your brain forces you to obsess over things that make your stomach turn, when touching a kitchen knife fills your mind with pictures of your loved ones lying sliced open on the tiles.

He is not a bad person, but he is a monster. He is the Ultimate Moral Compass, but he is a monster. He has never once committed any of the atrocities his disorder accuses him of - never even gotten close - but he is a monster, through and through, without a doubt.

Mondo's eyes are a pretty violet, and feel like ice down Taka's spine. His eyebrow raises slowly, questioningly. "If you're a monster," he asks, eyes narrowing, "then what the fuck does that make me?"

_(Mondo Oowada, who leads half the biker gangs in the country. Mondo Oowada, who gets detention every week for threatening to punch his classmates. Mondo Oowada, who has killed a man.)_

Taka shrugs - smiles, strained. "You're different." 

**Author's Note:**

> OBSESSIONS AND INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS ARE DISTRESSING AND HARMFUL, AND CAN INCLUDE LITERALLY ANYTHING THAT DISGUSTS YOU OR MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. THEY DO NOT REFLECT HIDDEN DESIRES, THEY REFLECT FEARS. if you are experiencing an intrusive thought, please know that you are not a monster, you are not dangerous, and the fact that the thought distresses you is enough proof that you're a wonderful person.
> 
> (comments abt intrusive thoughts are ok, but pls pls pls use minimal detail to avoid triggering me or anyone else.)


End file.
